Always Forward

It may sound weird for a Canadian to say, but one of the things I have learned this year is not to apologize.

I’m not going to apologize for my emotions. If I burst into tears seemingly at random, trust me it is not random.

I’m not going to apologize for bypassing the socially acceptable answer to the question “How are you?” and answering, instead, “I’m alive.” I’m not being melodramatic with this. It’s honestly an accomplishment.

I’m not going to apologize for saying 2016 has been the hardest year of my life.

I’m not going to apologize for posting a gazillion photos on instagram. These are not humblebrags, or narcissistic self-praise, or anything of the sort. These are concerted attempts to document for myself, and for those that are wishing/praying/pushing me to succeed, the journey from brokenness to wholeness.

I’m not going to apologize for using this cheesy phrase from Luke Cage, “Always forward. Forward always.” This mantra has gotten me through many dark moments of the heart.

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Always forward. Many people are spending today reflecting on how horrible/wonderful/etc 2016 has been. Me? I am looking forward. It’s not that no good things have happened for me in 2016, but it’s that the pain inside me from the bad things is still so raw, so acute, so potent that to look back, even just for a second, can send me spinning. I know there will come a time when I can look back and smile about the memories made this last year – these last years – but that time is not now. So I am holding tightly to this phrase: Always forward. Forward always.

Forward to 2017, when I will be moving forward to a new apartment with good friends to start a new phase of life.

Forward to 2017, when I will be moving forward, on a grand adventure to New Zealand and Australia, to restore my soul. (Where my NZ and AU peeps at?)

Forward to 2017, when I will be leaving my job and moving forward to grad school.

Forward to 2017, when I will be moving on… moving forward.

Always forward.

Happy New Year, my friends.

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Photo: Unsplash – Jamie Street

 

 

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54 thoughts on “Always Forward

  1. yes, do not apologize for the things you refuse to do at the moment. we are entitled to how we live our own life. this is our life. we own it. if it hurts, we have the right to cry. to hold on or let go, it’s always up to us. so keep looking forward!

  2. Very beautiful words! I love the honesty!
    Always forward; forward always!
    .
    .
    Forward to new adventures, to new learnings, to new joys, to new places, new friends, to new blessings! Forward to new life! 😊

  3. Good job about not apologizing for your emotions. Emotions are a part of who we are, and I know from experience that you should never try bottle it up, because then it just springs forth in a fountain. I love your blog; you are so strong.

  4. Even though this is about a divorce (assuming because I haven’t read all you posts just yet) I’d like to say I’m sorry and I have hope/faith it goes better with time. I am dealing with things myself that thought it would be over in 2016 but no there. Just wanted to say great post and looking forward to more. Thank you!(:

  5. Thank you for your post! I agree. We cannot get hung up on the past. Looking forward is critical in making good decisions in life. However, we cannot forget to stay in the present as well. Being in the moment brings peace and clarity when life seems out of whack.’

    On another note, I like how you don;t want to apologize! Too often, we apologize for being ourselves or just out of habit. In essence saying you’re sorry too much can make you feel like a mistake!

    1. I know it’s important to stay in the present, and I am getting there… but sometimes, often, it is still too painful. So I look forward. There’s a time for everything, right? 🙂

      1. yes, its important to work things out in time. the present can be difficult at times. but, there is always something good in each situation if you look hard enough. lets hope for better tomorrows!!

  6. Never be ashamed of doing what you need to do to take care of yourself and reach out for help. I admire your strength to consciously make life better.

  7. Reblogged this on and commented:
    looking forward to better days knowing that no where in life will you not have downs. know that downs will come but no matter what “always forward, forward always” #2017

  8. Two years earlier, I went through a terrible phase where I was always depressed and had terrible anxiety, that part of, still follows me around. A lot of my friendships were strangled because no one totally understood what I was going through. They knew how I felt but they just chose to ignore it. Even my mom thought I was just being dramatic about things and she never understood. Soon I was being called an attention-seeker, dramatic, etc. I used to apologize for not being okay. This is how our relationship got better. Although they sometimes continue to bring me down, I know they love me. So I’m torn now. I know this is kind of off topic but yeah. And I do have things that kept me going, things that made me so much more positive now, things that helped realize that the world is so much brighter. They’re a show called Teen Wolf, it’s the cast not just the show, and Team 10 and Logan Paul, they’re a group of youtubers and I’m not ashamed of showing how much they all mean to me. :))

    1. I am glad you have found things to keep you positive. Anxiety and depression are terrible things, and many people don’t understand, which doesn’t make it any easier for you. Take care and stay well! 🙂

  9. Hey,
    Life is like a journey and no matter what life throws at you,one must move forward always.I know its easy to say but hard to follow but its pain only that make us more strong and more human..I feel in this new year u will definately find more happiness☺

  10. I found I had a similar reaction after Doug passed away. Once I lost someone I truly loved, I didn’t have energy to spend on other people’s snobbery, judgement, lack of understanding. Maybe that’s not the perfect way to go about things but I found it was my immediate reaction. We all heal and process in our own ways. None of us are really “fine” anyway, it doesn’t capture enough of the good or the bad.

    1. Yeah, it’s a different kind of grief, that, but grief is grief. It certainly helps put things in perspective. And no, we’re not fine, we’re all a little broken right? And that’s okay. Love you Maja! ❤

      1. Love you too 😉 I found our Japan photo booth pictures today and the letter you sent me with the Totoro puzzle. My heart broke for you and Jordan. And then I read your post about your anniversary. It’s grief, it’s hard. I’m just rambling now…

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