If we were having cocktails

There’s a popular blog post format, “If we were having coffee,” but the kinds of things I’d tell you over coffee would probably be a little more… cream and sugar, and a little less… whisky. And with my 39th birthday bearing down on me, I’m in a whisky kind of mood.

If we were having cocktails, I’d tell you that I’m so glad you’re here, and I’d mean it. I’ve been trying to be more intentional about relationships – not the romantic kind (although we’ll get to that particular topic in a drink or two I’m sure) but friendships, family, community in general. I’ve struggled with this, and whether it’s due to the pandemic isolation hangover or Vancouver’s infamous status as a lonely city or the social challenges of being a divorced 30-something or all of the above, I just can’t seem to shake it. I’ve tried to come to terms with the fact that some of the people I thought would always be a part of my circle… aren’t. But rather than being upset about who doesn’t show up anymore, I’m trying to focus on being grateful for those who do — and showing up for them, too. And it feels like it’s working: it’s all about quality over quantity when it comes to friends. So… that’s a long-winded way of saying: thank you for showing up, I’m so glad you’re here!

If we were having cocktails, I’d tell you that we need to raise a glass for my first anniversary at my new job. I’m very happy about finally feeling unstuck, when it comes to this major part of life. I get to work remotely, I get to travel for work, I get to work with some very cool people, and most importantly I get paid to write, paid to do what I feel more than anything I am meant to do! After a year I’m mostly over the imposter syndrome of a job that started out feeling (and still often feels) simultaneously perfect for me, and too good to be true. I do miss tour guiding, but also it was past time for me to move on from that, at least for now. I still don’t know where I’ll be in five years, but I know this is where I’m meant to be right now, and after years of languishing, it’s a very welcome feeling.

If we were having cocktails, I’d tell you that despite finally having a steady and decent income, I’m frustrated that I still can’t see a way out of living in a basement suite with a roommate. Because Vancouver, and because inflation, and because insane real estate / rental prices: if I moved anywhere else and wanted to live alone I’d have to pay minimum triple what I’m paying now. I would LOVE to live in a house on a hill by the ocean, but I don’t see any way of making that happen short of winning the lottery (and I rarely bother to buy lottery tickets). In the meantime I’ve made my little basement suite a home, the “hobbit home” as I affectionately call it, because of its Shire-like garden entrance, colourful door, low ceilings, “nerd-chic” decor and cozy vibes. I’m grateful for it — but if I had to leave, I honestly don’t know where I would go.

If we were having cocktails, I’d tell you that nothing annoys me more than people insinuating all my problems would be solved by “finding the right person.” It’s worth pointing out that other single/divorced people never do this. Of course I never planned to be single at almost-39. Of course a dual income would make things easier. Of course I wonder if I’ll ever find my “truly madly deeply,” or even just someone who is willing to stand at the edge of the abyss with me and scream into the rain, and then fall backwards into the mud, laughing. But I also have dipped my toes in the muck of dating enough to know it’s better to be single than in a bad — or, more accurately given the current state of the dating scene in Vancouver, mediocre-at-best — relationship. And I’ve learned enough from others’ mistakes to know that if you’re looking for a relationship to solve something in your life – it won’t.

i do not want to have you
to fill the empty parts of me
i want to be full on my own
i want to be so complete
i could light a whole city
and then
i want to have you
cause the two of us combined
could set it on fire

-rupi kaur

If we were having cocktails, I’d tell you that all that doesn’t mean I’m not still trying, and to be honest my life feels like a bit of a K-drama right now, and the last episode ended on a cliff hanger. I don’t know if the current “love interest” character in my story will step up to the challenge and adventure that is me, and stick around for another episode or season or more, or fade into flashbacks as the previous ones have done. Or if a new character will unexpectedly burst onto the scene in the next episode in a blaze of romantic glory. Or if I’ll be suddenly blindsided by feelings from/for another character that was there all along. Or if I’ll end up alone in the end — free and unburdened, surrounded by cats. (That last option actually sounds pretty good — too bad I’m allergic).

If we were having cocktails, I’d tell you that this has been fun but alas we need to call it a night, because at almost-39 I can’t stay out past midnight on a weeknight or tomorrow’s gonna be a struggle. Until next time — cheers!

If we were having cocktails, what would you tell me? Feel free to share in the comments below!